He gave me the perfect Diwali present last night.
"The more time I spent with you, the more I realize that I don't love you anymore!"
My Diwali is filled with darkness and silence.
"We can still be friends and I will talk you out of this, slowly!"
Talk me out of loving him!
I made a lot of discoveries in the last 24 hours. I found out that I was capable of crying - crying continuously for hours. I found out that after some time each tear that drops from the eyes causes the swollen nerves to trigger such intense pain that it feels like someone has poked a thousand needles in and around your eyes. And I found out that this pain is nothing compared to the pain that comes from the stillness of your heart and mind.
I read each and every SMS that he has sent to me. Trying to figure out a single hint that this miss-fortunate day was coming. All of them are sweet messages, all of them filled with a promise of love that will never die, all of them designed to make me love him more each and every second.
"Honey I missed you!"
"I love you sweetiepie! You tc too. Will be back next week. Wait for me. ;))"
"I love you twice"
"I love you!!! For the last fucking syllable of recorded time!!!;))"
"Honey I'm home!"
"I'm having choir practice now. U have fun ok! Will talk to you tonight ;) I love you muah3x"
"I miss you too pumpkin!!!"
"Shall I walk you home tonight?"
"Tomorrow 6:45 ;)) I love you hun .. Good night sweetheart :)"
"U're not drinking right?"
Each message makes me die all over again and I still have to preserve it as the most precious thing of my life! I wish I could hate you the way I loved you but we both know it is impossible. I still have a dying hope that he will call me, or knock at my door to say that it was all a joke. I hope he will kiss me again and make me believe in myself once again. I hope he will bring a few candles and light up my dark home and promise me never to leave me again.
Love is stranger than I thought. When I sit down and think about it, it is 24 hours since I had any food or a drop of water but my eyes just wont dry! I don't want to cry. I want all my blood to dry up to stop these tears.
I don't know what was the reason. Was it the fact that I am getting old, fat, bald? Or was it 'cuz I'm a boring guy to be with? He wanted me to come out to my parents and I said no.
We had together dreamt of a life full of happiness and joy. A house by the beach with large windows and a Pomeranian dog. Holidays around the world. Promise of love and care.
"I want a guy who can take care of me" he had said. And every single inch of me wanted to be that guy for him. Each day, each single moment my thoughts were occupied by him. My social life, my friends, my family, my life was all just him. And last night when he left me, I knew I would be reduced to a lifeless lump. I thought that we were different, I thought that he was different and I knew he was but in the end all that is left is me - a 27 year old lifeless, shitless faggot trying to lie to the whole world, smiling, talking, singing. Trying to lie to myself about how miserable my life is, how pathetic my life would be and how lonely I would die!
Tonight the whole world is celebrating Diwali. There is light, sounds and laughter all over. I will never have that moment in my life, I know. Most homosexuals I have met do not have a very strong faith in God, now I know why. I want to be different today. This proud gay who blogs from his closet wants to be straight and find love. I want my life to have the happiness that I see around me. And that happiness was him. Why did he have to leave? Did he even cry once?
I asked his friend to be with him today, he may need his support. But, the fact is that I wanted to know if he felt sad without me? I wanted to know if he was suffering the way I am right now. I wanted someone to tell me that he needed me just like the way I needed him.
What will happen if he comes back to me now? I told him quite clearly last night that we were done. I wanted love and not pity! I would live like a dead man without him but I would never live on his pity. Is that my ego? How can a lifeless man like me have any ego? I don't have an ego. If I was strong enough to have an ego I would have gone to his apartment last night and jumped from the top of that building. The fact is that I am weak and a coward. A shitless faggot!
My summer romance has ended. 4 months long relationship is over. Just 4 months. Not a long time I know, but, the dreams of the next 40 years has also ended with this. The dreams of love are over. My summer romance is gone.
It is a festive night tonight. Why did he choose this day? May be because he knew it would be hard for me to step out of my home for quite sometime now. I have 3 days to 'get better', I have this weekend to cure myself of this pain or to get accustomed to it! How will I face the world on Monday? I don't have any answers!