"It's for the best. I hope you'll understand. Good bye."
His last message to me. I want to understand. I really want to know and understand what went wrong. What happened to the whole fairytale and our dreams.
It is 11:00 PM now and the tears have all dried. I'm not crying anymore. I think I should be able to gather the courage to step outside tomorrow. With the pain and sadness and misery the energy is draining fast and I can feel my fingers and limbs shiver. I feel cold from the weakness and the smoke from the firecrackers in the streets is filling my lungs making my breath unsteady and eyes are gloomy and blurred.
Breaking up is difficult. But, writing about it seems to be helping me a little. As I look inside me and report the tiniest feelings and write about my physical condition my mind eases a little. The urge to die is still persistent. The stillness of the heart is still palpable in the fluttery thoughts of mine that remind me of the time I spent with him and the time I missed him. But, being an observer of my own misery is helping me.
My sense of smell seems to have gone. I know I'm dirty and must be smelling, my kitchen has leftovers which have decomposed and have gathered small flies and ants. My effort to keep everything silent has stopped me from flushing my toilet which looks deep dark blue because of the cleaner mixed with my dehydrated piss. My pillow is damp with my tears. Yet, I don't find any stink. Even when I try, I'm unable to smell anything foul.
As the darkness outside grows and the sound of the crackers slowly dies, I have begun to think of a lot of things. Finding the reasons why he left me is the most difficult of all. The most appropriate reason that comes to my mind is that I'm poor! I don't have the riches that he expects. All I have right now is a promise that I will make a mark on the world and find a happy life for both of us. I can't buy him the things that he wants.
If I think practically, it is rather hard to love a loser! How can I expect him to love me given the fact that I seem to be losing respect with each passing day? Perhaps what Robert Green says is correct - the more they get to know about you, the lesser your worth becomes! But, how can I create an illusion of myself in front of him when I have vowed to give my life for him?
I should make an effort to become a complete loser from now on. It would give him a lot of positive thought about the decision that he took. 10 years from now, when he looks back at this he should be able to convince himself that he did the right thing by leaving me with my miseries. He should be happy to see that I have become a wreck and thank his stars that he is not with me at that time. This is the least that I can do for my love!