Friday, November 26, 2010
Yay! I'm Lucky :)
OMG! My boyfriend is the most talented guy on the planet! And I'm not just saying it, really, he is the best person. Amazing and incredible!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
The Cutest Boy on Youtube Contest: Two Brothers
Okay. At least one of them is seriously hot! And I would ask no questions before sleeping with them :P
And oh, don't you ignore the related videos in the sidebar, they have a lot of spice :)
The Cutest Boy on Youtube Contest: Two Brothers
Okay. At least one of them is seriously hot! And I would ask no questions before sleeping with them :P
And oh, don't you ignore the related videos in the sidebar, they have a lot of spice :)
Sunday, November 7, 2010
A Gay Guy Loves His Camera Above All
Give a young gay guy his camera and a Sunday afternoon and he will strip down and take pictures of himself! Well, some do not strip down but that is very very rare!
Don't quite get what I'm saying? Check these out: Click Here! (don't click that link if you are not 18 years of age or if seeing young, skinny, sexy men in the nude offends you ... lol)
So, what I was saying is, most of these guys are not porn stars they are just obsessed gays like you and me who love their body (and a few love their faces too!) Let's face it, we are self obsessed kids, each one of us :)
Even the ugly guys like me must've taken their pics from different angles and posted them in some community or the other. As far as I am concerned, I'm not posting any nude pics of mine on any Reddit page any time soon, but let's just say I found a good place to look out for quality porn :P
Don't quite get what I'm saying? Check these out: Click Here! (don't click that link if you are not 18 years of age or if seeing young, skinny, sexy men in the nude offends you ... lol)
So, what I was saying is, most of these guys are not porn stars they are just obsessed gays like you and me who love their body (and a few love their faces too!) Let's face it, we are self obsessed kids, each one of us :)
Even the ugly guys like me must've taken their pics from different angles and posted them in some community or the other. As far as I am concerned, I'm not posting any nude pics of mine on any Reddit page any time soon, but let's just say I found a good place to look out for quality porn :P
A Gay Guy's Friends Are Always Evil
Don't kill me for saying this. I mean, I know there are a lot of good people in this world and a lot of those good people are gay as well but when it comes to the friends of a gay guy, they always turn out to be evil!
So, my advice to anyone looking out for love is - DO NOT LISTEN TO WHAT YOUR FRIENDS SAY, LISTEN ONLY TO YOUR HEART AND THE HEAD. You may even want to listen to those pair of balls hanging down there, but never to your friends when it comes to matters of love. Take a decision and then tell them like a good friend. Well, I do not say this for no reason and without a base.
If your friends are not gay, it is very difficult for them to understand what you are going through. They are guys but not quite like you after all. How can they ever feel what you feel for your boyfriend? They may be 'fine with you being gay' but they will never understand how you fear about your future without a man in your life!
And if your friends are gay they are even more dangerous. Now don't ask me why! You already know it don't you bitch :P
So We Made Up?
He called. He said he was sorry. He said he can't live without me. He said he was stupid to leave me. He said he wants me back in his life. I say, "Wait, take your time and decided once you are really sure about this!"
I have cried for hours together and I don't want to go through this again and again.
And the reason he gave me is rude to say the least! He said he was getting bored with me. Well, let's face it, I am a boring guy. Who else would write more than 10 blog posts while recovering from a breakup (especially when he knows that no one is going to read all these anyways!)? He was bored of spending time at my home, watching movies, cuddling and doing the exact same thing each fucking week after each fucking week for these 4 months! I say, "Is this not what you wanted in the first place?"
I remember telling him long back the difference between 'getting bored with me' and 'getting bored of me'! If it is the former we can find a way but if he ever gets bored of me, it would be the day when we'll have to find a different way to live our lives and that life will not be with each other! I don't quite remember is he got bored 'with' me or 'of' me, I would not dare ask him again!
So, as of now, we are trying to get back together. I sincerely hope this works out and we forget about this episode like it never happened or may be remember is forever so that we don't make the same mistake again!
I have cried for hours together and I don't want to go through this again and again.
And the reason he gave me is rude to say the least! He said he was getting bored with me. Well, let's face it, I am a boring guy. Who else would write more than 10 blog posts while recovering from a breakup (especially when he knows that no one is going to read all these anyways!)? He was bored of spending time at my home, watching movies, cuddling and doing the exact same thing each fucking week after each fucking week for these 4 months! I say, "Is this not what you wanted in the first place?"
I remember telling him long back the difference between 'getting bored with me' and 'getting bored of me'! If it is the former we can find a way but if he ever gets bored of me, it would be the day when we'll have to find a different way to live our lives and that life will not be with each other! I don't quite remember is he got bored 'with' me or 'of' me, I would not dare ask him again!
So, as of now, we are trying to get back together. I sincerely hope this works out and we forget about this episode like it never happened or may be remember is forever so that we don't make the same mistake again!
The Thing About Love Is
The thing about love is that you never start off by doubting it. Anyone who ever falls in love believes that it is true love and it will last forever. (If you didn't then trust me it was not true love at all)
So, what do you do when you find your 'true love'? You share everything with him. He knows inside out of you, your friends, your family, your strengths, weaknesses, everything. And then one day, all of a sudden, 'he drops the bomb'! And here you are, broken and there is a man out in the world who knows all about you and does not love you anymore. That feeling is the most disturbing of all.
And on the other hand, you know all about him! So, you start to know about things that he does. You would know if he is the kind of a person who would write long paragraphs about the breakup, or the kind who would pretend to the world (and to you) that he's cool, nothing ever happened.
It is tough my friends, breaking up is tough! Now I know why it is called a 'breakup', 'cuz it really breaks you up into a million little pieces!
Breakup: Day3 (06:39 PM)
A thought just dawned upon me. The reason why he left me and the remedy!
I had started becoming like him in all these months. Or may be not like him but still a changed man. His love was changing me, I don't know for the better or worse but it was. When I look behind, I am not the person I was 4 months back. I am, now, not the man he had loved. I am not the person he had fallen for. Everything has changed.
Or may be this thought is just stupid! I don't know. A lot has changed around me but have I changed too? I don't know, I really don't know!
I had started becoming like him in all these months. Or may be not like him but still a changed man. His love was changing me, I don't know for the better or worse but it was. When I look behind, I am not the person I was 4 months back. I am, now, not the man he had loved. I am not the person he had fallen for. Everything has changed.
Or may be this thought is just stupid! I don't know. A lot has changed around me but have I changed too? I don't know, I really don't know!
Breakup: Day3 (04:04 PM)
Welcome back my darling!
Did the rain wet you? For once, the heavens are crying with me! What is it? Is it a sign of sympathy from the Gods or an acknowledgement of the broken and damp fate that our relationship has? I think none! FB is full of messages blessing the rain, hailing the cold weather and cherishing the sweet memories that it brings along with it. For me (and for you?) the rain is a reflection of my heart, the blood of separation. Rain is neither good nor bad it is us and our souls that make it either.
I decided not to tell my friends about this. Why should they know? Why should anyone know? They would ask questions about my changed state, they would ask questions about my silence but let there be no answers! And who am I to answer when I do not know myself? The fate of our relationship is undecided yet. I will wait and those who care shall have their answer at my deathbed. Till then, let me be mum. Let me find abode in silence. And let the love, loss and pain grow inside me!
Did the rain wet you? For once, the heavens are crying with me! What is it? Is it a sign of sympathy from the Gods or an acknowledgement of the broken and damp fate that our relationship has? I think none! FB is full of messages blessing the rain, hailing the cold weather and cherishing the sweet memories that it brings along with it. For me (and for you?) the rain is a reflection of my heart, the blood of separation. Rain is neither good nor bad it is us and our souls that make it either.
I decided not to tell my friends about this. Why should they know? Why should anyone know? They would ask questions about my changed state, they would ask questions about my silence but let there be no answers! And who am I to answer when I do not know myself? The fate of our relationship is undecided yet. I will wait and those who care shall have their answer at my deathbed. Till then, let me be mum. Let me find abode in silence. And let the love, loss and pain grow inside me!
Breakup: Day3 (12:33 PM)
Still don't have the urge to go out. There is not much in the home to eat and I have not taken a bath since Thursday morning now. The stink is unbearable and so is the thought of washing it all away. There is something inside me that tells me not to go to the shower. This is weird!
A friend is coming home this evening. He is a very good friend. He will be the first one to know about it now. I will be strong while I tell him. I would rather not tell him much, just tell him that we're not together anymore. I remember the last time he came here, I was expecting my boyfriend to come home that night and wanted to brag about us. Tables turned so quick! I've asked him to get me some food.
A friend is coming home this evening. He is a very good friend. He will be the first one to know about it now. I will be strong while I tell him. I would rather not tell him much, just tell him that we're not together anymore. I remember the last time he came here, I was expecting my boyfriend to come home that night and wanted to brag about us. Tables turned so quick! I've asked him to get me some food.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Breakup: Day3 (08:44 AM)
Normalcy has not yet returned completely but I sure am headed towards it. It will take time I know. I've started eating food and taking water. Watched movies which seemed to help a lot. Wrote a lot of things, strolled the Internet.
A dear one who read all this asked if it was an attempt to invoke pity from him. My answer, NO!
If he comes back due to pity and not love, he will leave again and then I may be in an even worse condition. This is not pity, it is a means of letting out things. And like I said before, being an observer to my own suffering calms me down a lot.
Last night I dreamt that a friend was having sex with a snake, a huge python. I don't know what that dream means, I really hate those creatures.
One of the movies that I watched was 'Letters From Juliet' and when I googled about it I found that there is actually a group of people who do that - reply to the heartbroken people's letters advising them on life and love. I think that is a very noble thing to do. Read about it here. If you have seen the movie or ever see it, there is a letter which is read in the end, the letter that Sophie writes to Clair. It talks about two words "what if". Two harmless words which when put together become potent enough to ruin a life!
A dear one who read all this asked if it was an attempt to invoke pity from him. My answer, NO!
If he comes back due to pity and not love, he will leave again and then I may be in an even worse condition. This is not pity, it is a means of letting out things. And like I said before, being an observer to my own suffering calms me down a lot.
Last night I dreamt that a friend was having sex with a snake, a huge python. I don't know what that dream means, I really hate those creatures.
One of the movies that I watched was 'Letters From Juliet' and when I googled about it I found that there is actually a group of people who do that - reply to the heartbroken people's letters advising them on life and love. I think that is a very noble thing to do. Read about it here. If you have seen the movie or ever see it, there is a letter which is read in the end, the letter that Sophie writes to Clair. It talks about two words "what if". Two harmless words which when put together become potent enough to ruin a life!
Breakup: Day2 (5:26 PM)
If you ever read this thing, it will help you to make a decision.
Right now, everything in my home reminds me of you. The small things we did together, the cooking, the movies, everything. Each and every small thing that has any connection with you is making it really hard for me. I've decided to put everything that reminds me of you in a box and put it away somewhere safe. I wish I could find a box big enough to contain me and my life!
As you realize that we are not together now, you will begin to feel the way I am feeling right now. You will miss me, my voice and my touch. It is natural to miss someone you spent a lot of time with. This feeling of missing me is not really love, you will discover. I became your habit that is hard to kick for you! It is like that fag which is so difficult to let go.
When you miss me, don't take a hasty decision and reach out to me saying that you love me, because I will believe you when you say that and it won't be true. Let your life turn normal again, let your friends and family take priority again, let your heart seek out love again and then if you think of me and have any love for us, give me a call.
It is very important for you to understand that getting back together only because you can't live without me for now is stupid. Come back to me when you think you want to live with me and no one else. Come back when you love me so much that it would not matter to you if I said NO!
Come back to me when you are sure that you want me back in all the ugliness.
The next few days, weeks or even months are going to be hard. But, life is much longer than months and if you didn't really love me, you will survive this period and be able to find someone else. Even if you don't find anyone else, you will still be happy with your decision.
I read somewhere a long time back that if you are not brave just pretend that you are and no one will know the difference. I have lived by that principle. When I have wanted to cry I have held back my tears, when I have been threated I have retaliated back, when I have lost love I have told everyone that I'm better than that. Try to be brave for sometime and you will be OK.
I wish I could say that you will find better guys but I know you will not find another me whatever that means. And I will never be able to find another you again. Our lives without each other can be happy or sad or fulfilling or empty or happening or dark or famous but it would never be what it could have been with each other in our arms. That is not necessarily a bad thing, there is only one way to find out how our lives will be together - by living it. But, we have just one life and we can have just one single chance with it.
Think of it in this way. What would happen 50 years later?
If we are together and you regret every moment spent with me for those 50 years, it would be impossible for me to give you back your life. But, if we are not together and you realize after 50 years that all you ever wanted was me, I would come back to you to give you love for all the rest of our years together. We have just one life after all and there can be just a single end to it.
Right now, everything in my home reminds me of you. The small things we did together, the cooking, the movies, everything. Each and every small thing that has any connection with you is making it really hard for me. I've decided to put everything that reminds me of you in a box and put it away somewhere safe. I wish I could find a box big enough to contain me and my life!
As you realize that we are not together now, you will begin to feel the way I am feeling right now. You will miss me, my voice and my touch. It is natural to miss someone you spent a lot of time with. This feeling of missing me is not really love, you will discover. I became your habit that is hard to kick for you! It is like that fag which is so difficult to let go.
When you miss me, don't take a hasty decision and reach out to me saying that you love me, because I will believe you when you say that and it won't be true. Let your life turn normal again, let your friends and family take priority again, let your heart seek out love again and then if you think of me and have any love for us, give me a call.
It is very important for you to understand that getting back together only because you can't live without me for now is stupid. Come back to me when you think you want to live with me and no one else. Come back when you love me so much that it would not matter to you if I said NO!
Come back to me when you are sure that you want me back in all the ugliness.
The next few days, weeks or even months are going to be hard. But, life is much longer than months and if you didn't really love me, you will survive this period and be able to find someone else. Even if you don't find anyone else, you will still be happy with your decision.
I read somewhere a long time back that if you are not brave just pretend that you are and no one will know the difference. I have lived by that principle. When I have wanted to cry I have held back my tears, when I have been threated I have retaliated back, when I have lost love I have told everyone that I'm better than that. Try to be brave for sometime and you will be OK.
I wish I could say that you will find better guys but I know you will not find another me whatever that means. And I will never be able to find another you again. Our lives without each other can be happy or sad or fulfilling or empty or happening or dark or famous but it would never be what it could have been with each other in our arms. That is not necessarily a bad thing, there is only one way to find out how our lives will be together - by living it. But, we have just one life and we can have just one single chance with it.
Think of it in this way. What would happen 50 years later?
If we are together and you regret every moment spent with me for those 50 years, it would be impossible for me to give you back your life. But, if we are not together and you realize after 50 years that all you ever wanted was me, I would come back to you to give you love for all the rest of our years together. We have just one life after all and there can be just a single end to it.
Breakup: Day2 (12:47 PM)
Relationship Status: On Hold!
After spending 4 months together, after exchanging hopes and dreams and vows and passionate moments he told me that he was not sure if he loved me! Should I be shattered?
Have you ever wanted to own something really badly? Some instrument or a gadget like a Camera or a Bike? You dream about it all the time before you have it and once you hold your camera in your hand, it all ends. The craving, the passion, everything just ends. The excitement to get it is unmatched. I was that thing for him!
He doesn't want to be with me anymore. He says he's not sure. He is not sure if he even loves me or not! I've asked him to get back to me when he is sure, I will wait till then.
"What if I say NO? Will you still wait for me?"
If he says NO, his life and mine will take different routes. I know I love him and I know my love does not depend on his answer, so it will live even after he leaves me forever. But, that is none of his concern. If he says NO, he should move on, find another man and stay in happiness and pleasure. My condition should not be his worry if he says NO.
He has to wait till he is certain that he does not love me. He has to wait till he finds love elsewhere. He has to wait till he is ready to burn the bridge that hangs on a thread being eaten by moths of doubts. He has to wait till I prove myself to be a loser not worthy of his love.
I, on the other hand, will have to wait much longer than that. I hope he makes me wait till my last breath and turns up on my deathbed to tell me that he always loved me. Because I know I will wait even after the final goodbye ...
After spending 4 months together, after exchanging hopes and dreams and vows and passionate moments he told me that he was not sure if he loved me! Should I be shattered?
Have you ever wanted to own something really badly? Some instrument or a gadget like a Camera or a Bike? You dream about it all the time before you have it and once you hold your camera in your hand, it all ends. The craving, the passion, everything just ends. The excitement to get it is unmatched. I was that thing for him!
He doesn't want to be with me anymore. He says he's not sure. He is not sure if he even loves me or not! I've asked him to get back to me when he is sure, I will wait till then.
"What if I say NO? Will you still wait for me?"
If he says NO, his life and mine will take different routes. I know I love him and I know my love does not depend on his answer, so it will live even after he leaves me forever. But, that is none of his concern. If he says NO, he should move on, find another man and stay in happiness and pleasure. My condition should not be his worry if he says NO.
He has to wait till he is certain that he does not love me. He has to wait till he finds love elsewhere. He has to wait till he is ready to burn the bridge that hangs on a thread being eaten by moths of doubts. He has to wait till I prove myself to be a loser not worthy of his love.
I, on the other hand, will have to wait much longer than that. I hope he makes me wait till my last breath and turns up on my deathbed to tell me that he always loved me. Because I know I will wait even after the final goodbye ...
Friday, November 5, 2010
Breakup: Day2 (01:16 AM)
He sent me an SMS! He said sorry! He said he wants me in his life and his life is like an empty shell without me! He says he missed me!
Somehow, I'm still not able to smile. I don't feel happy about it yet. I feel like someone has given me a prosthetic leg after amputating my limb. I want to know the reason why he gave up in the first place. Right now I need to know the truth. That's the most valuable thing. Why did he leave me last night?
"If it's because of something that I said, I'll keep my mouth shut all my life ... If it's 'cuz you feel I will never be rich enough to give you all comforts, I'll get back after I have a huge bank balance ... If it's 'cuz I'm old for you, I'll wait till you are old as well" I told him. I need the truth before we even think of getting back together.
I have cried all day, all night till my tears are dry and there is no water in my body to produce them. I don't want to cry like this again. More than that, I don't want him to ever cry like this in his life.
It is 01:30 AM and I'm waiting for his message. My neck pains and I know tomorrow morning I will have a severe back pain. Why does he not reply now. Is he afraid to give me the truth. Does he think I will break down? I think I've crossed that limit of breaking down now. I will be able to take anything and it will not sink me any further.
I think the truth will never come ... What should I do now? Should I get back and pretend that nothing happened? Should I continue with my dreams again? Hope, magic, love? Or should I go to sleep and switch off my phone and wake up a dead man?
Somehow, I'm still not able to smile. I don't feel happy about it yet. I feel like someone has given me a prosthetic leg after amputating my limb. I want to know the reason why he gave up in the first place. Right now I need to know the truth. That's the most valuable thing. Why did he leave me last night?
"If it's because of something that I said, I'll keep my mouth shut all my life ... If it's 'cuz you feel I will never be rich enough to give you all comforts, I'll get back after I have a huge bank balance ... If it's 'cuz I'm old for you, I'll wait till you are old as well" I told him. I need the truth before we even think of getting back together.
I have cried all day, all night till my tears are dry and there is no water in my body to produce them. I don't want to cry like this again. More than that, I don't want him to ever cry like this in his life.
It is 01:30 AM and I'm waiting for his message. My neck pains and I know tomorrow morning I will have a severe back pain. Why does he not reply now. Is he afraid to give me the truth. Does he think I will break down? I think I've crossed that limit of breaking down now. I will be able to take anything and it will not sink me any further.
I think the truth will never come ... What should I do now? Should I get back and pretend that nothing happened? Should I continue with my dreams again? Hope, magic, love? Or should I go to sleep and switch off my phone and wake up a dead man?
Breakup: Day1
"It's for the best. I hope you'll understand. Good bye."
His last message to me. I want to understand. I really want to know and understand what went wrong. What happened to the whole fairytale and our dreams.
It is 11:00 PM now and the tears have all dried. I'm not crying anymore. I think I should be able to gather the courage to step outside tomorrow. With the pain and sadness and misery the energy is draining fast and I can feel my fingers and limbs shiver. I feel cold from the weakness and the smoke from the firecrackers in the streets is filling my lungs making my breath unsteady and eyes are gloomy and blurred.
Breaking up is difficult. But, writing about it seems to be helping me a little. As I look inside me and report the tiniest feelings and write about my physical condition my mind eases a little. The urge to die is still persistent. The stillness of the heart is still palpable in the fluttery thoughts of mine that remind me of the time I spent with him and the time I missed him. But, being an observer of my own misery is helping me.
My sense of smell seems to have gone. I know I'm dirty and must be smelling, my kitchen has leftovers which have decomposed and have gathered small flies and ants. My effort to keep everything silent has stopped me from flushing my toilet which looks deep dark blue because of the cleaner mixed with my dehydrated piss. My pillow is damp with my tears. Yet, I don't find any stink. Even when I try, I'm unable to smell anything foul.
As the darkness outside grows and the sound of the crackers slowly dies, I have begun to think of a lot of things. Finding the reasons why he left me is the most difficult of all. The most appropriate reason that comes to my mind is that I'm poor! I don't have the riches that he expects. All I have right now is a promise that I will make a mark on the world and find a happy life for both of us. I can't buy him the things that he wants.
If I think practically, it is rather hard to love a loser! How can I expect him to love me given the fact that I seem to be losing respect with each passing day? Perhaps what Robert Green says is correct - the more they get to know about you, the lesser your worth becomes! But, how can I create an illusion of myself in front of him when I have vowed to give my life for him?
I should make an effort to become a complete loser from now on. It would give him a lot of positive thought about the decision that he took. 10 years from now, when he looks back at this he should be able to convince himself that he did the right thing by leaving me with my miseries. He should be happy to see that I have become a wreck and thank his stars that he is not with me at that time. This is the least that I can do for my love!
His last message to me. I want to understand. I really want to know and understand what went wrong. What happened to the whole fairytale and our dreams.
It is 11:00 PM now and the tears have all dried. I'm not crying anymore. I think I should be able to gather the courage to step outside tomorrow. With the pain and sadness and misery the energy is draining fast and I can feel my fingers and limbs shiver. I feel cold from the weakness and the smoke from the firecrackers in the streets is filling my lungs making my breath unsteady and eyes are gloomy and blurred.
Breaking up is difficult. But, writing about it seems to be helping me a little. As I look inside me and report the tiniest feelings and write about my physical condition my mind eases a little. The urge to die is still persistent. The stillness of the heart is still palpable in the fluttery thoughts of mine that remind me of the time I spent with him and the time I missed him. But, being an observer of my own misery is helping me.
My sense of smell seems to have gone. I know I'm dirty and must be smelling, my kitchen has leftovers which have decomposed and have gathered small flies and ants. My effort to keep everything silent has stopped me from flushing my toilet which looks deep dark blue because of the cleaner mixed with my dehydrated piss. My pillow is damp with my tears. Yet, I don't find any stink. Even when I try, I'm unable to smell anything foul.
As the darkness outside grows and the sound of the crackers slowly dies, I have begun to think of a lot of things. Finding the reasons why he left me is the most difficult of all. The most appropriate reason that comes to my mind is that I'm poor! I don't have the riches that he expects. All I have right now is a promise that I will make a mark on the world and find a happy life for both of us. I can't buy him the things that he wants.
If I think practically, it is rather hard to love a loser! How can I expect him to love me given the fact that I seem to be losing respect with each passing day? Perhaps what Robert Green says is correct - the more they get to know about you, the lesser your worth becomes! But, how can I create an illusion of myself in front of him when I have vowed to give my life for him?
I should make an effort to become a complete loser from now on. It would give him a lot of positive thought about the decision that he took. 10 years from now, when he looks back at this he should be able to convince himself that he did the right thing by leaving me with my miseries. He should be happy to see that I have become a wreck and thank his stars that he is not with me at that time. This is the least that I can do for my love!
Summer Romance ...
He gave me the perfect Diwali present last night.
"The more time I spent with you, the more I realize that I don't love you anymore!"
My Diwali is filled with darkness and silence.
"We can still be friends and I will talk you out of this, slowly!"
Talk me out of loving him!
I made a lot of discoveries in the last 24 hours. I found out that I was capable of crying - crying continuously for hours. I found out that after some time each tear that drops from the eyes causes the swollen nerves to trigger such intense pain that it feels like someone has poked a thousand needles in and around your eyes. And I found out that this pain is nothing compared to the pain that comes from the stillness of your heart and mind.
I read each and every SMS that he has sent to me. Trying to figure out a single hint that this miss-fortunate day was coming. All of them are sweet messages, all of them filled with a promise of love that will never die, all of them designed to make me love him more each and every second.
"Honey I missed you!"
"I love you sweetiepie! You tc too. Will be back next week. Wait for me. ;))"
"I love you twice"
"I love you!!! For the last fucking syllable of recorded time!!!;))"
"Honey I'm home!"
"I'm having choir practice now. U have fun ok! Will talk to you tonight ;) I love you muah3x"
"I miss you too pumpkin!!!"
"Shall I walk you home tonight?"
"Tomorrow 6:45 ;)) I love you hun .. Good night sweetheart :)"
"U're not drinking right?"
Each message makes me die all over again and I still have to preserve it as the most precious thing of my life! I wish I could hate you the way I loved you but we both know it is impossible. I still have a dying hope that he will call me, or knock at my door to say that it was all a joke. I hope he will kiss me again and make me believe in myself once again. I hope he will bring a few candles and light up my dark home and promise me never to leave me again.
Love is stranger than I thought. When I sit down and think about it, it is 24 hours since I had any food or a drop of water but my eyes just wont dry! I don't want to cry. I want all my blood to dry up to stop these tears.
I don't know what was the reason. Was it the fact that I am getting old, fat, bald? Or was it 'cuz I'm a boring guy to be with? He wanted me to come out to my parents and I said no.
We had together dreamt of a life full of happiness and joy. A house by the beach with large windows and a Pomeranian dog. Holidays around the world. Promise of love and care.
"I want a guy who can take care of me" he had said. And every single inch of me wanted to be that guy for him. Each day, each single moment my thoughts were occupied by him. My social life, my friends, my family, my life was all just him. And last night when he left me, I knew I would be reduced to a lifeless lump. I thought that we were different, I thought that he was different and I knew he was but in the end all that is left is me - a 27 year old lifeless, shitless faggot trying to lie to the whole world, smiling, talking, singing. Trying to lie to myself about how miserable my life is, how pathetic my life would be and how lonely I would die!
Tonight the whole world is celebrating Diwali. There is light, sounds and laughter all over. I will never have that moment in my life, I know. Most homosexuals I have met do not have a very strong faith in God, now I know why. I want to be different today. This proud gay who blogs from his closet wants to be straight and find love. I want my life to have the happiness that I see around me. And that happiness was him. Why did he have to leave? Did he even cry once?
I asked his friend to be with him today, he may need his support. But, the fact is that I wanted to know if he felt sad without me? I wanted to know if he was suffering the way I am right now. I wanted someone to tell me that he needed me just like the way I needed him.
What will happen if he comes back to me now? I told him quite clearly last night that we were done. I wanted love and not pity! I would live like a dead man without him but I would never live on his pity. Is that my ego? How can a lifeless man like me have any ego? I don't have an ego. If I was strong enough to have an ego I would have gone to his apartment last night and jumped from the top of that building. The fact is that I am weak and a coward. A shitless faggot!
My summer romance has ended. 4 months long relationship is over. Just 4 months. Not a long time I know, but, the dreams of the next 40 years has also ended with this. The dreams of love are over. My summer romance is gone.
It is a festive night tonight. Why did he choose this day? May be because he knew it would be hard for me to step out of my home for quite sometime now. I have 3 days to 'get better', I have this weekend to cure myself of this pain or to get accustomed to it! How will I face the world on Monday? I don't have any answers!
"The more time I spent with you, the more I realize that I don't love you anymore!"
My Diwali is filled with darkness and silence.
"We can still be friends and I will talk you out of this, slowly!"
Talk me out of loving him!
I made a lot of discoveries in the last 24 hours. I found out that I was capable of crying - crying continuously for hours. I found out that after some time each tear that drops from the eyes causes the swollen nerves to trigger such intense pain that it feels like someone has poked a thousand needles in and around your eyes. And I found out that this pain is nothing compared to the pain that comes from the stillness of your heart and mind.
I read each and every SMS that he has sent to me. Trying to figure out a single hint that this miss-fortunate day was coming. All of them are sweet messages, all of them filled with a promise of love that will never die, all of them designed to make me love him more each and every second.
"Honey I missed you!"
"I love you sweetiepie! You tc too. Will be back next week. Wait for me. ;))"
"I love you twice"
"I love you!!! For the last fucking syllable of recorded time!!!;))"
"Honey I'm home!"
"I'm having choir practice now. U have fun ok! Will talk to you tonight ;) I love you muah3x"
"I miss you too pumpkin!!!"
"Shall I walk you home tonight?"
"Tomorrow 6:45 ;)) I love you hun .. Good night sweetheart :)"
"U're not drinking right?"
Each message makes me die all over again and I still have to preserve it as the most precious thing of my life! I wish I could hate you the way I loved you but we both know it is impossible. I still have a dying hope that he will call me, or knock at my door to say that it was all a joke. I hope he will kiss me again and make me believe in myself once again. I hope he will bring a few candles and light up my dark home and promise me never to leave me again.
Love is stranger than I thought. When I sit down and think about it, it is 24 hours since I had any food or a drop of water but my eyes just wont dry! I don't want to cry. I want all my blood to dry up to stop these tears.
I don't know what was the reason. Was it the fact that I am getting old, fat, bald? Or was it 'cuz I'm a boring guy to be with? He wanted me to come out to my parents and I said no.
We had together dreamt of a life full of happiness and joy. A house by the beach with large windows and a Pomeranian dog. Holidays around the world. Promise of love and care.
"I want a guy who can take care of me" he had said. And every single inch of me wanted to be that guy for him. Each day, each single moment my thoughts were occupied by him. My social life, my friends, my family, my life was all just him. And last night when he left me, I knew I would be reduced to a lifeless lump. I thought that we were different, I thought that he was different and I knew he was but in the end all that is left is me - a 27 year old lifeless, shitless faggot trying to lie to the whole world, smiling, talking, singing. Trying to lie to myself about how miserable my life is, how pathetic my life would be and how lonely I would die!
Tonight the whole world is celebrating Diwali. There is light, sounds and laughter all over. I will never have that moment in my life, I know. Most homosexuals I have met do not have a very strong faith in God, now I know why. I want to be different today. This proud gay who blogs from his closet wants to be straight and find love. I want my life to have the happiness that I see around me. And that happiness was him. Why did he have to leave? Did he even cry once?
I asked his friend to be with him today, he may need his support. But, the fact is that I wanted to know if he felt sad without me? I wanted to know if he was suffering the way I am right now. I wanted someone to tell me that he needed me just like the way I needed him.
What will happen if he comes back to me now? I told him quite clearly last night that we were done. I wanted love and not pity! I would live like a dead man without him but I would never live on his pity. Is that my ego? How can a lifeless man like me have any ego? I don't have an ego. If I was strong enough to have an ego I would have gone to his apartment last night and jumped from the top of that building. The fact is that I am weak and a coward. A shitless faggot!
My summer romance has ended. 4 months long relationship is over. Just 4 months. Not a long time I know, but, the dreams of the next 40 years has also ended with this. The dreams of love are over. My summer romance is gone.
It is a festive night tonight. Why did he choose this day? May be because he knew it would be hard for me to step out of my home for quite sometime now. I have 3 days to 'get better', I have this weekend to cure myself of this pain or to get accustomed to it! How will I face the world on Monday? I don't have any answers!
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