If you ever read this thing, it will help you to make a decision.
Right now, everything in my home reminds me of you. The small things we did together, the cooking, the movies, everything. Each and every small thing that has any connection with you is making it really hard for me. I've decided to put everything that reminds me of you in a box and put it away somewhere safe. I wish I could find a box big enough to contain me and my life!
As you realize that we are not together now, you will begin to feel the way I am feeling right now. You will miss me, my voice and my touch. It is natural to miss someone you spent a lot of time with. This feeling of missing me is not really love, you will discover. I became your habit that is hard to kick for you! It is like that fag which is so difficult to let go.
When you miss me, don't take a hasty decision and reach out to me saying that you love me, because I will believe you when you say that and it won't be true. Let your life turn normal again, let your friends and family take priority again, let your heart seek out love again and then if you think of me and have any love for us, give me a call.
It is very important for you to understand that getting back together only because you can't live without me for now is stupid. Come back to me when you think you want to live with me and no one else. Come back when you love me so much that it would not matter to you if I said NO!
Come back to me when you are sure that you want me back in all the ugliness.
The next few days, weeks or even months are going to be hard. But, life is much longer than months and if you didn't really love me, you will survive this period and be able to find someone else. Even if you don't find anyone else, you will still be happy with your decision.
I read somewhere a long time back that if you are not brave just pretend that you are and no one will know the difference. I have lived by that principle. When I have wanted to cry I have held back my tears, when I have been threated I have retaliated back, when I have lost love I have told everyone that I'm better than that. Try to be brave for sometime and you will be OK.
I wish I could say that you will find better guys but I know you will not find another me whatever that means. And I will never be able to find another you again. Our lives without each other can be happy or sad or fulfilling or empty or happening or dark or famous but it would never be what it could have been with each other in our arms. That is not necessarily a bad thing, there is only one way to find out how our lives will be together - by living it. But, we have just one life and we can have just one single chance with it.
Think of it in this way. What would happen 50 years later?
If we are together and you regret every moment spent with me for those 50 years, it would be impossible for me to give you back your life. But, if we are not together and you realize after 50 years that all you ever wanted was me, I would come back to you to give you love for all the rest of our years together. We have just one life after all and there can be just a single end to it.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Breakup: Day2 (12:47 PM)
Relationship Status: On Hold!
After spending 4 months together, after exchanging hopes and dreams and vows and passionate moments he told me that he was not sure if he loved me! Should I be shattered?
Have you ever wanted to own something really badly? Some instrument or a gadget like a Camera or a Bike? You dream about it all the time before you have it and once you hold your camera in your hand, it all ends. The craving, the passion, everything just ends. The excitement to get it is unmatched. I was that thing for him!
He doesn't want to be with me anymore. He says he's not sure. He is not sure if he even loves me or not! I've asked him to get back to me when he is sure, I will wait till then.
"What if I say NO? Will you still wait for me?"
If he says NO, his life and mine will take different routes. I know I love him and I know my love does not depend on his answer, so it will live even after he leaves me forever. But, that is none of his concern. If he says NO, he should move on, find another man and stay in happiness and pleasure. My condition should not be his worry if he says NO.
He has to wait till he is certain that he does not love me. He has to wait till he finds love elsewhere. He has to wait till he is ready to burn the bridge that hangs on a thread being eaten by moths of doubts. He has to wait till I prove myself to be a loser not worthy of his love.
I, on the other hand, will have to wait much longer than that. I hope he makes me wait till my last breath and turns up on my deathbed to tell me that he always loved me. Because I know I will wait even after the final goodbye ...
After spending 4 months together, after exchanging hopes and dreams and vows and passionate moments he told me that he was not sure if he loved me! Should I be shattered?
Have you ever wanted to own something really badly? Some instrument or a gadget like a Camera or a Bike? You dream about it all the time before you have it and once you hold your camera in your hand, it all ends. The craving, the passion, everything just ends. The excitement to get it is unmatched. I was that thing for him!
He doesn't want to be with me anymore. He says he's not sure. He is not sure if he even loves me or not! I've asked him to get back to me when he is sure, I will wait till then.
"What if I say NO? Will you still wait for me?"
If he says NO, his life and mine will take different routes. I know I love him and I know my love does not depend on his answer, so it will live even after he leaves me forever. But, that is none of his concern. If he says NO, he should move on, find another man and stay in happiness and pleasure. My condition should not be his worry if he says NO.
He has to wait till he is certain that he does not love me. He has to wait till he finds love elsewhere. He has to wait till he is ready to burn the bridge that hangs on a thread being eaten by moths of doubts. He has to wait till I prove myself to be a loser not worthy of his love.
I, on the other hand, will have to wait much longer than that. I hope he makes me wait till my last breath and turns up on my deathbed to tell me that he always loved me. Because I know I will wait even after the final goodbye ...
Friday, November 5, 2010
Breakup: Day2 (01:16 AM)
He sent me an SMS! He said sorry! He said he wants me in his life and his life is like an empty shell without me! He says he missed me!
Somehow, I'm still not able to smile. I don't feel happy about it yet. I feel like someone has given me a prosthetic leg after amputating my limb. I want to know the reason why he gave up in the first place. Right now I need to know the truth. That's the most valuable thing. Why did he leave me last night?
"If it's because of something that I said, I'll keep my mouth shut all my life ... If it's 'cuz you feel I will never be rich enough to give you all comforts, I'll get back after I have a huge bank balance ... If it's 'cuz I'm old for you, I'll wait till you are old as well" I told him. I need the truth before we even think of getting back together.
I have cried all day, all night till my tears are dry and there is no water in my body to produce them. I don't want to cry like this again. More than that, I don't want him to ever cry like this in his life.
It is 01:30 AM and I'm waiting for his message. My neck pains and I know tomorrow morning I will have a severe back pain. Why does he not reply now. Is he afraid to give me the truth. Does he think I will break down? I think I've crossed that limit of breaking down now. I will be able to take anything and it will not sink me any further.
I think the truth will never come ... What should I do now? Should I get back and pretend that nothing happened? Should I continue with my dreams again? Hope, magic, love? Or should I go to sleep and switch off my phone and wake up a dead man?
Somehow, I'm still not able to smile. I don't feel happy about it yet. I feel like someone has given me a prosthetic leg after amputating my limb. I want to know the reason why he gave up in the first place. Right now I need to know the truth. That's the most valuable thing. Why did he leave me last night?
"If it's because of something that I said, I'll keep my mouth shut all my life ... If it's 'cuz you feel I will never be rich enough to give you all comforts, I'll get back after I have a huge bank balance ... If it's 'cuz I'm old for you, I'll wait till you are old as well" I told him. I need the truth before we even think of getting back together.
I have cried all day, all night till my tears are dry and there is no water in my body to produce them. I don't want to cry like this again. More than that, I don't want him to ever cry like this in his life.
It is 01:30 AM and I'm waiting for his message. My neck pains and I know tomorrow morning I will have a severe back pain. Why does he not reply now. Is he afraid to give me the truth. Does he think I will break down? I think I've crossed that limit of breaking down now. I will be able to take anything and it will not sink me any further.
I think the truth will never come ... What should I do now? Should I get back and pretend that nothing happened? Should I continue with my dreams again? Hope, magic, love? Or should I go to sleep and switch off my phone and wake up a dead man?
Breakup: Day1
"It's for the best. I hope you'll understand. Good bye."
His last message to me. I want to understand. I really want to know and understand what went wrong. What happened to the whole fairytale and our dreams.
It is 11:00 PM now and the tears have all dried. I'm not crying anymore. I think I should be able to gather the courage to step outside tomorrow. With the pain and sadness and misery the energy is draining fast and I can feel my fingers and limbs shiver. I feel cold from the weakness and the smoke from the firecrackers in the streets is filling my lungs making my breath unsteady and eyes are gloomy and blurred.
Breaking up is difficult. But, writing about it seems to be helping me a little. As I look inside me and report the tiniest feelings and write about my physical condition my mind eases a little. The urge to die is still persistent. The stillness of the heart is still palpable in the fluttery thoughts of mine that remind me of the time I spent with him and the time I missed him. But, being an observer of my own misery is helping me.
My sense of smell seems to have gone. I know I'm dirty and must be smelling, my kitchen has leftovers which have decomposed and have gathered small flies and ants. My effort to keep everything silent has stopped me from flushing my toilet which looks deep dark blue because of the cleaner mixed with my dehydrated piss. My pillow is damp with my tears. Yet, I don't find any stink. Even when I try, I'm unable to smell anything foul.
As the darkness outside grows and the sound of the crackers slowly dies, I have begun to think of a lot of things. Finding the reasons why he left me is the most difficult of all. The most appropriate reason that comes to my mind is that I'm poor! I don't have the riches that he expects. All I have right now is a promise that I will make a mark on the world and find a happy life for both of us. I can't buy him the things that he wants.
If I think practically, it is rather hard to love a loser! How can I expect him to love me given the fact that I seem to be losing respect with each passing day? Perhaps what Robert Green says is correct - the more they get to know about you, the lesser your worth becomes! But, how can I create an illusion of myself in front of him when I have vowed to give my life for him?
I should make an effort to become a complete loser from now on. It would give him a lot of positive thought about the decision that he took. 10 years from now, when he looks back at this he should be able to convince himself that he did the right thing by leaving me with my miseries. He should be happy to see that I have become a wreck and thank his stars that he is not with me at that time. This is the least that I can do for my love!
His last message to me. I want to understand. I really want to know and understand what went wrong. What happened to the whole fairytale and our dreams.
It is 11:00 PM now and the tears have all dried. I'm not crying anymore. I think I should be able to gather the courage to step outside tomorrow. With the pain and sadness and misery the energy is draining fast and I can feel my fingers and limbs shiver. I feel cold from the weakness and the smoke from the firecrackers in the streets is filling my lungs making my breath unsteady and eyes are gloomy and blurred.
Breaking up is difficult. But, writing about it seems to be helping me a little. As I look inside me and report the tiniest feelings and write about my physical condition my mind eases a little. The urge to die is still persistent. The stillness of the heart is still palpable in the fluttery thoughts of mine that remind me of the time I spent with him and the time I missed him. But, being an observer of my own misery is helping me.
My sense of smell seems to have gone. I know I'm dirty and must be smelling, my kitchen has leftovers which have decomposed and have gathered small flies and ants. My effort to keep everything silent has stopped me from flushing my toilet which looks deep dark blue because of the cleaner mixed with my dehydrated piss. My pillow is damp with my tears. Yet, I don't find any stink. Even when I try, I'm unable to smell anything foul.
As the darkness outside grows and the sound of the crackers slowly dies, I have begun to think of a lot of things. Finding the reasons why he left me is the most difficult of all. The most appropriate reason that comes to my mind is that I'm poor! I don't have the riches that he expects. All I have right now is a promise that I will make a mark on the world and find a happy life for both of us. I can't buy him the things that he wants.
If I think practically, it is rather hard to love a loser! How can I expect him to love me given the fact that I seem to be losing respect with each passing day? Perhaps what Robert Green says is correct - the more they get to know about you, the lesser your worth becomes! But, how can I create an illusion of myself in front of him when I have vowed to give my life for him?
I should make an effort to become a complete loser from now on. It would give him a lot of positive thought about the decision that he took. 10 years from now, when he looks back at this he should be able to convince himself that he did the right thing by leaving me with my miseries. He should be happy to see that I have become a wreck and thank his stars that he is not with me at that time. This is the least that I can do for my love!
Summer Romance ...
He gave me the perfect Diwali present last night.
"The more time I spent with you, the more I realize that I don't love you anymore!"
My Diwali is filled with darkness and silence.
"We can still be friends and I will talk you out of this, slowly!"
Talk me out of loving him!
I made a lot of discoveries in the last 24 hours. I found out that I was capable of crying - crying continuously for hours. I found out that after some time each tear that drops from the eyes causes the swollen nerves to trigger such intense pain that it feels like someone has poked a thousand needles in and around your eyes. And I found out that this pain is nothing compared to the pain that comes from the stillness of your heart and mind.
I read each and every SMS that he has sent to me. Trying to figure out a single hint that this miss-fortunate day was coming. All of them are sweet messages, all of them filled with a promise of love that will never die, all of them designed to make me love him more each and every second.
"Honey I missed you!"
"I love you sweetiepie! You tc too. Will be back next week. Wait for me. ;))"
"I love you twice"
"I love you!!! For the last fucking syllable of recorded time!!!;))"
"Honey I'm home!"
"I'm having choir practice now. U have fun ok! Will talk to you tonight ;) I love you muah3x"
"I miss you too pumpkin!!!"
"Shall I walk you home tonight?"
"Tomorrow 6:45 ;)) I love you hun .. Good night sweetheart :)"
"U're not drinking right?"
Each message makes me die all over again and I still have to preserve it as the most precious thing of my life! I wish I could hate you the way I loved you but we both know it is impossible. I still have a dying hope that he will call me, or knock at my door to say that it was all a joke. I hope he will kiss me again and make me believe in myself once again. I hope he will bring a few candles and light up my dark home and promise me never to leave me again.
Love is stranger than I thought. When I sit down and think about it, it is 24 hours since I had any food or a drop of water but my eyes just wont dry! I don't want to cry. I want all my blood to dry up to stop these tears.
I don't know what was the reason. Was it the fact that I am getting old, fat, bald? Or was it 'cuz I'm a boring guy to be with? He wanted me to come out to my parents and I said no.
We had together dreamt of a life full of happiness and joy. A house by the beach with large windows and a Pomeranian dog. Holidays around the world. Promise of love and care.
"I want a guy who can take care of me" he had said. And every single inch of me wanted to be that guy for him. Each day, each single moment my thoughts were occupied by him. My social life, my friends, my family, my life was all just him. And last night when he left me, I knew I would be reduced to a lifeless lump. I thought that we were different, I thought that he was different and I knew he was but in the end all that is left is me - a 27 year old lifeless, shitless faggot trying to lie to the whole world, smiling, talking, singing. Trying to lie to myself about how miserable my life is, how pathetic my life would be and how lonely I would die!
Tonight the whole world is celebrating Diwali. There is light, sounds and laughter all over. I will never have that moment in my life, I know. Most homosexuals I have met do not have a very strong faith in God, now I know why. I want to be different today. This proud gay who blogs from his closet wants to be straight and find love. I want my life to have the happiness that I see around me. And that happiness was him. Why did he have to leave? Did he even cry once?
I asked his friend to be with him today, he may need his support. But, the fact is that I wanted to know if he felt sad without me? I wanted to know if he was suffering the way I am right now. I wanted someone to tell me that he needed me just like the way I needed him.
What will happen if he comes back to me now? I told him quite clearly last night that we were done. I wanted love and not pity! I would live like a dead man without him but I would never live on his pity. Is that my ego? How can a lifeless man like me have any ego? I don't have an ego. If I was strong enough to have an ego I would have gone to his apartment last night and jumped from the top of that building. The fact is that I am weak and a coward. A shitless faggot!
My summer romance has ended. 4 months long relationship is over. Just 4 months. Not a long time I know, but, the dreams of the next 40 years has also ended with this. The dreams of love are over. My summer romance is gone.
It is a festive night tonight. Why did he choose this day? May be because he knew it would be hard for me to step out of my home for quite sometime now. I have 3 days to 'get better', I have this weekend to cure myself of this pain or to get accustomed to it! How will I face the world on Monday? I don't have any answers!
"The more time I spent with you, the more I realize that I don't love you anymore!"
My Diwali is filled with darkness and silence.
"We can still be friends and I will talk you out of this, slowly!"
Talk me out of loving him!
I made a lot of discoveries in the last 24 hours. I found out that I was capable of crying - crying continuously for hours. I found out that after some time each tear that drops from the eyes causes the swollen nerves to trigger such intense pain that it feels like someone has poked a thousand needles in and around your eyes. And I found out that this pain is nothing compared to the pain that comes from the stillness of your heart and mind.
I read each and every SMS that he has sent to me. Trying to figure out a single hint that this miss-fortunate day was coming. All of them are sweet messages, all of them filled with a promise of love that will never die, all of them designed to make me love him more each and every second.
"Honey I missed you!"
"I love you sweetiepie! You tc too. Will be back next week. Wait for me. ;))"
"I love you twice"
"I love you!!! For the last fucking syllable of recorded time!!!;))"
"Honey I'm home!"
"I'm having choir practice now. U have fun ok! Will talk to you tonight ;) I love you muah3x"
"I miss you too pumpkin!!!"
"Shall I walk you home tonight?"
"Tomorrow 6:45 ;)) I love you hun .. Good night sweetheart :)"
"U're not drinking right?"
Each message makes me die all over again and I still have to preserve it as the most precious thing of my life! I wish I could hate you the way I loved you but we both know it is impossible. I still have a dying hope that he will call me, or knock at my door to say that it was all a joke. I hope he will kiss me again and make me believe in myself once again. I hope he will bring a few candles and light up my dark home and promise me never to leave me again.
Love is stranger than I thought. When I sit down and think about it, it is 24 hours since I had any food or a drop of water but my eyes just wont dry! I don't want to cry. I want all my blood to dry up to stop these tears.
I don't know what was the reason. Was it the fact that I am getting old, fat, bald? Or was it 'cuz I'm a boring guy to be with? He wanted me to come out to my parents and I said no.
We had together dreamt of a life full of happiness and joy. A house by the beach with large windows and a Pomeranian dog. Holidays around the world. Promise of love and care.
"I want a guy who can take care of me" he had said. And every single inch of me wanted to be that guy for him. Each day, each single moment my thoughts were occupied by him. My social life, my friends, my family, my life was all just him. And last night when he left me, I knew I would be reduced to a lifeless lump. I thought that we were different, I thought that he was different and I knew he was but in the end all that is left is me - a 27 year old lifeless, shitless faggot trying to lie to the whole world, smiling, talking, singing. Trying to lie to myself about how miserable my life is, how pathetic my life would be and how lonely I would die!
Tonight the whole world is celebrating Diwali. There is light, sounds and laughter all over. I will never have that moment in my life, I know. Most homosexuals I have met do not have a very strong faith in God, now I know why. I want to be different today. This proud gay who blogs from his closet wants to be straight and find love. I want my life to have the happiness that I see around me. And that happiness was him. Why did he have to leave? Did he even cry once?
I asked his friend to be with him today, he may need his support. But, the fact is that I wanted to know if he felt sad without me? I wanted to know if he was suffering the way I am right now. I wanted someone to tell me that he needed me just like the way I needed him.
What will happen if he comes back to me now? I told him quite clearly last night that we were done. I wanted love and not pity! I would live like a dead man without him but I would never live on his pity. Is that my ego? How can a lifeless man like me have any ego? I don't have an ego. If I was strong enough to have an ego I would have gone to his apartment last night and jumped from the top of that building. The fact is that I am weak and a coward. A shitless faggot!
My summer romance has ended. 4 months long relationship is over. Just 4 months. Not a long time I know, but, the dreams of the next 40 years has also ended with this. The dreams of love are over. My summer romance is gone.
It is a festive night tonight. Why did he choose this day? May be because he knew it would be hard for me to step out of my home for quite sometime now. I have 3 days to 'get better', I have this weekend to cure myself of this pain or to get accustomed to it! How will I face the world on Monday? I don't have any answers!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Brokeback Mountain Is Euuuuwwww ... But, It Still Made Me Cry!
OK folks, I know I'm kinda late with this. I saw Brokeback Mountain just recently (i.e. it got over 5 minutes back). And since my boyfriend is sleeping and I can talk to him about it I thought I'd put it in here.
Now, my guy didn't really like BBM. That doesn't mean that I would've taken his recommendation and stopped myself from watching the movie 'cuz he didn't like Matrix, Troy, Inception, and a host of other classics either!
But, frankly folks, BBM may be a classic but I found it rather boring. It is full of emotions and all but it is a little off. A bit stretched I believe. It could've been so much more exciting if things happened a little faster! And I never believe in the idea of gay men getting married to girls just to be able to 'live' in the society. They ruin the lives of their family (like ElMore did) - poor girls who had to go through all that trouble in their early lives! I know, this is a movie about a rather ancient times when gay marriages were simply not possible but if they really loved each other they should've stayed single at least.
But, then, they were not really sure when their 'job' at Brokeback ended. All they had was a secret, not love just passion. And the way Jack used to 'visit' Mexico proved that he was driven more by the passion for the groins of another man than love for his 'fishing buddy'. ElMore (Heath Ledger) may have truly loved Jack but we can't be sure of even that 'cuz had his wife not found out he would've been living that fake life himself.
Overall, I believe BBM is certainly watchable (it has some really good acting, locations and a sorta gripping storyline) but it is definitely not a classic. Nothing like other gay themed movies that I have seen be it Milk, Shelter or may be even Boy Culture!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Gay Themed Magazine - Queerty.
Check out what I found: A gay themed magazine, Queerty - Free of an agenda, except for that gay one.
The content, well, not quite very intellectual. It is aimed at those of us with a marginal IQ or may be to serve the 'marginal IQ moments' of most of us :) Certainly worth a visit or two. Tell them Ryan sent ya !
They may not have a lot of intellectual posts to keep you thinking but a few posts can surely crack you up or give you an lol moment in a boring afternoon (that's what I go there for).
The content, well, not quite very intellectual. It is aimed at those of us with a marginal IQ or may be to serve the 'marginal IQ moments' of most of us :) Certainly worth a visit or two. Tell them Ryan sent ya !
They may not have a lot of intellectual posts to keep you thinking but a few posts can surely crack you up or give you an lol moment in a boring afternoon (that's what I go there for).
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