Summer Romance ...

He gave me the perfect Diwali present last night.

"The more time I spent with you, the more I realize that I don't love you anymore!"


My Diwali is filled with darkness and silence.


"We can still be friends and I will talk you out of this, slowly!"

Talk me out of loving him!

I made a lot of discoveries in the last 24 hours. I found out that I was capable of crying - crying continuously for hours. I found out that after some time each tear that drops from the eyes causes the swollen nerves to trigger such intense pain that it feels like someone has poked a thousand needles in and around your eyes. And I found out that this pain is nothing compared to the pain that comes from the stillness of your heart and mind.
I read each and every SMS that he has sent to me. Trying to figure out a single hint that this miss-fortunate day was coming. All of them are sweet messages, all of them filled with a promise of love that will never die, all of them designed to make me love him more each and every second.
"Honey I missed you!"
"I love you sweetiepie! You tc too. Will be back next week. Wait for me. ;))"
"I love you twice"
"I love you!!! For the last fucking syllable of recorded time!!!;))"
"Honey I'm home!"
"I'm having choir practice now. U have fun ok! Will talk to you tonight ;) I love you muah3x"
"I miss you too pumpkin!!!"
"Shall I walk you home tonight?"
"Tomorrow 6:45 ;)) I love you hun .. Good night sweetheart :)"
"U're not drinking right?"

Each message makes me die all over again and I still have to preserve it as the most precious thing of my life! I wish I could hate you the way I loved you but we both know it is impossible. I still have a dying hope that he will call me, or knock at my door to say that it was all a joke. I hope he will kiss me again and make me believe in myself once again. I hope he will bring a few candles and light up my dark home and promise me never to leave me again.
Love is stranger than I thought. When I sit down and think about it, it is 24 hours since I had any food or a drop of water but my eyes just wont dry! I don't want to cry. I want all my blood to dry up to stop these tears.
I don't know what was the reason. Was it the fact that I am getting old, fat, bald? Or was it 'cuz I'm a boring guy to be with? He wanted me to come out to my parents and I said no.
We had together dreamt of a life full of happiness and joy. A house by the beach with large windows and a Pomeranian dog. Holidays around the world. Promise of love and care.
"I want a guy who can take care of me" he had said. And every single inch of me wanted to be that guy for him. Each day, each single moment my thoughts were occupied by him. My social life, my friends, my family, my life was all just him. And last night when he left me, I knew I would be reduced to a lifeless lump. I thought that we were different, I thought that he was different and I knew he was but in the end all that is left is me - a 27 year old lifeless, shitless faggot trying to lie to the whole world, smiling, talking, singing. Trying to lie to myself about how miserable my life is, how pathetic my life would be and how lonely I would die!
Tonight the whole world is celebrating Diwali. There is light, sounds and laughter all over. I will never have that moment in my life, I know. Most homosexuals I have met do not have a very strong faith in God, now I know why. I want to be different today. This proud gay who blogs from his closet wants to be straight and find love. I want my life to have the happiness that I see around me. And that happiness was him. Why did he have to leave? Did he even cry once?
I asked his friend to be with him today, he may need his support. But, the fact is that I wanted to know if he felt sad without me? I wanted to know if he was suffering the way I am right now. I wanted someone to tell me that he needed me just like the way I needed him.
What will happen if he comes back to me now? I told him quite clearly last night that we were done. I wanted love and not pity! I would live like a dead man without him but I would never live on his pity. Is that my ego? How can a lifeless man like me have any ego? I don't have an ego. If I was strong enough to have an ego I would have gone to his apartment last night and jumped from the top of that building. The fact is that I am weak and a coward. A shitless faggot!
My summer romance has ended. 4 months long relationship is over. Just 4 months. Not a long time I know, but, the dreams of the next 40 years has also ended with this. The dreams of love are over. My summer romance is gone.
It is a festive night tonight. Why did he choose this day? May be because he knew it would be hard for me to step out of my home for quite sometime now. I have 3 days to 'get better', I have this weekend to cure myself of this pain or to get accustomed to it! How will I face the world on Monday? I don't have any answers!

Brokeback Mountain Is Euuuuwwww ... But, It Still Made Me Cry!

OK folks, I know I'm kinda late with this. I saw Brokeback Mountain just recently (i.e. it got over 5 minutes back). And since my boyfriend is sleeping and I can talk to him about it I thought I'd put it in here.
Now, my guy didn't really like BBM. That doesn't mean that I would've taken his recommendation and stopped myself from watching the movie 'cuz he didn't like Matrix, Troy, Inception, and a host of other classics either!
But, frankly folks, BBM may be a classic but I found it rather boring. It is full of emotions and all but it is a little off. A bit stretched I believe. It could've been so much more exciting if things happened a little faster! And I never believe in the idea of gay men getting married to girls just to be able to 'live' in the society. They ruin the lives of their family (like ElMore did) - poor girls who had to go through all that trouble in their early lives! I know, this is a movie about a rather ancient times when gay marriages were simply not possible but if they really loved each other they should've stayed single at least.
But, then, they were not really sure when their 'job' at Brokeback ended. All they had was a secret, not love just passion. And the way Jack used to 'visit' Mexico proved that he was driven more by the passion for the groins of another man than love for his 'fishing buddy'. ElMore (Heath Ledger) may have truly loved Jack but we can't be sure of even that 'cuz had his wife not found out he would've been living that fake life himself.
Overall, I believe BBM is certainly watchable (it has some really good acting, locations and a sorta gripping storyline) but it is definitely not a classic. Nothing like other gay themed movies that I have seen be it Milk, Shelter or may be even Boy Culture!

Gay Themed Magazine - Queerty.

Check out what I found: A gay themed magazine, Queerty - Free of an agenda, except for that gay one.
The content, well, not quite very intellectual. It is aimed at those of us with a marginal IQ or may be to serve the 'marginal IQ moments' of most of us :) Certainly worth a visit or two. Tell them Ryan sent ya !
They may not have a lot of intellectual posts to keep you thinking but a few posts can surely crack you up or give you an lol moment in a boring afternoon (that's what I go there for).

This Is Why Coming Out Is Important!

This is a post in response to this post.

Being 'open' is the final step towards realizing the freedom for a LGBTI people! Freedom from what you will ask, the answer:
Let's take a Utopian situation where everyone respects everyone else, there is peace and harmony. People indulge in only one trade, the improvement of their lives and that of the earth. In such a world all men would be driven to work for a life without any prejudices and only the contribution of a person towards the society would be appreciated and taken into account. Clearly, we do not live in such a world. Our work is not just professionally judged but our personal lives are also taken into consideration, similarly our personal lives are affected by the profession that we choose. In short, it is all clubbed together and it is impossible to separate the personal and professional lives of an individual.
Now, this very world is also full of people with insecurities, people who are afraid of losing their power over others, losing their family, losing their love, losing their respect in society and with such insecurities comes a false disdain for everyone who is not like them. The inherent nature of people to form societies (it started by the necessary community building needed to hunt and survive in the harsh world and is now hard coded in our genes) also makes societal norms which are not logical but traditional at times. The attitude of society towards LGBTI is explainable though certainly not recommended.
So, what happens when say a guy marries another guy and comes out in public? It is mostly a defiant attempt of forcing an acceptance on the society by the couple. Why is it necessary for them to do this? There may be many reasons, one of them could be to cross that threshold which would make other things (like pressures at office, pressures at home, etc.) easier to handle. Besides, a lot of LGBTI are in fact a wrong sex trapped inside the wrong sex body. Guys who dress up like women, women who are tomboyish, they do not do this 'cuz they want to pretend that they are 'special' they ARE LIKE THAT! There was a time when having an alternate sexuality was considered an act of sexual addiction and impulse, but now we know for sure that for instance, being gay is not another attempt to get laid more often.
Why do the people of the 'community' join hands and praises when someone 'comes out'? I think it would be out of relief and a wish. A relief to know that things were looking better and a wish that the society accepts them fast.
It is important for the LGBTI community to come out in public, if not for the people around them then for themselves. A simple act of holding hands, which brings two souls together, is looked down upon. A person in the closet would never be able to overcome the fear and give the best to her partner. Coming out is an act of shunning the fear of the society and not a mere exhibition for the world. It is a freedom of the heart and nothing more than that!

This Is Why I Prefer Guys Over Girls!

There are 2 reasons why I don't like girls (don't get me wrong, what I mean is - why I can't see myself in a relationship with a girl).
First, I don't really get attracted to them sexually. Here I must tell you one thing, I've never actually been physical with a girl so I don't quite know if I would like it or not but unlike in the case of guys I've never really felt that I should 'discover' a girl's body.
Secondly (and much more important), I just can't take the way most girls behave in a relationship. My boyfriends are my companions, my friends, my activity partners, people I go out with and have fun, do things that I like doing (which mostly are all 'guys things'). Girls are softer and need attention. Constant fu*king attention. And a hell lot of care. They would worry (to the point of extinction) about how they're looking, does a particular piece of clothing make them look fat, is the hair alright and the million other things. Guys are like me (yay!) They step out of their homes at a short notice, they look good even without looking in the mirror for ages, they have a better understanding of almost everything in the world (I'm talking majorities here), they know how to keep quiet, they can ride bikes, drive cars, walk, run, and sleep all through a lazy afternoon. I like guys because they happen to have better tools (no pun here okay!) to live the life with - a robust body and a sound brain.
Now, here's the problem with the gay world - I don't know why most gay guys just want to prove to the world (and specially to me it seems) that they are not like 'regular' guys. Hey, wake up!!! I'm gay, I like guys!!! If I wanted a guy who was almost a girl would I rather not date a girl and have babies too!!! I'm paying a big price by being with a guy right, my personal life, my social life, everything is at stake and this is what you give me; a date who is more of a girl with missing boobs and 'operable' on the reverse side! Nay ... I'd rather stay at home and watch some football on my couch!

My Most Special Reader

A guy sent me a long (read very very very long) email about a month back. It was simply the best thing I have ever received in my inbox. Just like 'You've Got Mail' both of us got hooked to exchanging these splendid mails which are full of our experiences, tastes, choices, habits and our idea about life in general.
I must admit, he is rather funny. My replies are mostly either complaints, suggestions, bland narration of what happened in the day (oh yeah! we write almost everyday to each other) or some other monotonous stuff like that. He on the other hand is amazing in his replies (though he needs to work on his sentence formation - he's not from an English speaking country), full of humor and wit, laden with comparisons and anecdotes, full of life.
This month he's busy with a lot of things and we're happy mailing to each other but I really can't wait for him to get free (which would be next month) and we hitting our first date. Do you think we should just go for a coffee date or should there be a little more spice to the whole thing :P
We're already added each other on FB (our real profiles) and have seen what each other is like but meeting a person for the first time is always an experience!

Two Sides Of The Gay Man

The parties are fun. Not just because you get to dance, drink and scan a target rich environment but also because you are with guys who have, at some point in time, pinged you on some Gay social network!
These are the guys who have discussed kinky sex with you, they have discussed about them being exceptionally good in bed, having an XXL dick, having a 'cute ass' and a smooth body (lol). And there in the party they are all dressed up like items in a showcase of a shop selling 'Pick-Any-For-100' stuff. There in the party these 'I'm-not-much-into-sex' guys are trying their best to impress any random guy who would take them home with him for the night. And in the next party the bitches will gather around again and talk about how 'short' he was, or how fast he came, or how boring the sex was or how and what of so many other stories of the gay world.
But, all said and done, I like the gay parties of Bangalore. They are full of surprises and always give you a reason to come week after week with the least expectations and highest hopes of finding someone great.